The Ohio State Head Coach

In the great, American-accented, deadpan words of Kevin Coster, “I’ve seen enough.”1

Today’s loss was too much. Like last week’s game against Purdue–a team that couldn’t fill its own stadium, a team that has its own (inappropriate) chant for every time their players convert a first down, a team with a coach that’s so blue-collar he…wears a whistle…on the sidelines (What?)–our defense spotted the opponent ten points against Matt McGloin’s moxie,2 and our own inept offense couldn’t catch up.

Well, Ohio State fans, amidst all the rumors, all the anticipation, and all the inevitability, the coaching hire you’ve always wanted is about to become a reality.

I, Josh Grimm, am officially throwing my hat into the ring for the position of Head Coach of The Ohio State University football team.

*pause for thundering applause*

Now, I know I have my critics out there. Plenty of people are pointing out my flaws: “You’ve never had any coaching experience of any kind,” “You’ve never played football in your life,” “You take all the icing off your chocolate cake and don’t even eat the cake part.”

Technically, these are true, though it’s not as bad as you think. My dad actually coached junior high basketball for a season. Checkmate! I ran cross-country instead of football, because our football program at the time was horrifying and I was too small to play any position decently anyway. I just keep knockin’ these out of the park! And yes, I really don’t like chocolate cake. There is nothing vanilla about vanilla.

So why me?

Obviously, I’ve always loved the Buckeyes, even through the Cooper years (you Tressel-raised youngsters had it made). More importantly, I would surround myself with the best coaching staff around, which means I couldn’t things up too badly.

Plus, look at my record. Ohio State has never lost a football game that I attended. No one, apart from current and former players, current and former coaches, and some fans, have done more for the Buckeyes than me. Especially in key games. And…I was saving this for the interview, but….I grew up in Ohio, I’ve lived in Texas for almost five years, and I actually dated someone from Florida, so I’ll have no problem reeling in the big-name recruits.

But what puts me over the top?3

Here is a list of promises that I will have written into my contract. If I were to violate any one of these, I would automatically be fired, with no settlement or severance of any kind. Let’s do this.

1) I will never, ever, call a running play on first down. I don’t care if the other team drops 11 back into zone coverage and my running back is one yard shy of the all-time NCAA rushing record. Sorry…better luck next down.

2) Any defender who celebrates tackling an opponent after he gains more than seven yards will be benched and serve a one game suspension. Why are you jumping around and cheering, idiot? They got a first down.4

3) At least 30 percent of passes must either be screens or slants. Period.

4) If we destroying the opponent, I will respectfully ease off (offensively), even taking a classy knee at the goal line at the end of the game. If you beat us and are respectful, I will give you a subtle nod of congratulations. But you listen to me, Boilermakers and Illini of this world: If you pull off an upset and celebrate obnoxiously, I will be slinging it all over the field, calling time outs to stop the clock, and benching any of my players who don’t have that same fire as I do. My victory formation will be five wide receiver sets sprinting toward the end zone. Consider yourself warned.

5) There will be a minimum of one trick play per game. Sometimes I’ll get it out of the way with an onside kick on our opening kickoff, other times I’ll save the fake field goal for later in the game. But it’s coming. Sure as Les Miles’ comeuppance, it’s coming.

6) Tresselball5 brought us some wonderful memories, which is why it is going to be retired, to live forever in our hearts and nightmares.

7) No matter how much offensive talent we accrue, we will never run one of those gimmicky Oregon/Oklahoma State-esque offenses. We’re the Ohio State Buckeyes, not the West Canaan Coyotes (under Coach Lance).

8 ) After each game, I will hold a public forum and defend why I called every play that I did. If I was wrong, I will apologize.

So there you have it, Buckeye fans. I’m one of you, and I’ve been there through the good and bad. I sat through every soul-sucking second of the Florida/Ohio State game, and even though I was young, I still remember Biakabutuka’s horrifying performance. I laughed through the last seven Michigan games and went crazy when Ken Dorsey tried to get up and couldn’t. Each season, I cheered, I screamed, I stared, and I screamed some more. I know what we can be, and what we need to be. And with your help, I’ll get us there.

Go Bucks!

1 Yes, the quote continues beyond that
2 Second only to Brady Quinn’s courageousness
3 Besides the fact that I will turn my baseball cap around?
4 Corollary: If you incessantly wave your arms signaling “incomplete” when you, in fact, had nothing to do with said incompletion, that’s a two game suspension. I’m looking at you, Travis.
5 Which unlike “Beamerball” is actually a real thing

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